‘No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.’
Bill Cosby
As parents, we absolutely want to do our best and be the best we can be for our children. Our heart might be in the right place but often our head is not! So what are some of those ‘rules’ and what happens……
Don’t take it personally
Tony Humphreys often says ‘they are not trying to make life difficult for you, they are trying to show you how difficult it is for them’.
This is absolutely true. The process of growing up is a all about change and a series of transitions (for them and you).
When they shout that they don’t care – we know that they really do.
When they show compassion to a poor hurt puppy and yet seem oblivious or uncaring about the fact that we are falling on our feet (from trying to organise and taxi them everywhere) – we know that it is because they are secure in our love and caring.
However, there will be a time (and perhaps many J) when you do take it personally. When they point out how stupid you are, how grumpy or manic you are or when they go out of their way to help others and wont even put their dishes away to help you.
Don’t Sweat the Small stuff
As a parent there is so much we want to teach our children. So many values to pass on. So many potential areas of disagreement.
As they grow, one key piece of advice is ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’. Pick your battles. Ask yourself ‘Will this matter in 3 days/months/years time?’. If the answer is yes it is worth time and energy. If not, perhaps it is something we should let go or compromise on.
However, there will be a time (and perhaps many J) when the fact that they didn’t flush the toilet after they were finished or didn’t wash their hands is enough to send us into orbit. Not because of the neglect in itself but because, on that day, it is the straw that broke the camel’s back. The fact that they want to button their own coat or put on their own shoes when you are already late getting out the door in the morning tests you to the limit and sometimes (often when we are tired or frustrated) we don’t pass that test.
Never use the TV as a babysitter
Any parent who has to make or receive a really important telephone call will forget they ever passed comment on other parents who have done this. When we go on the telephone it is like we have put a sticker on our forehead saying
‘Mum/Dad is distracted – now is the time to wreck havoc’
‘Mum/Dad is not paying you attention – come look for it’
‘Mum/Dad is not looking – now is the time to get your own back on your sibling for any wrong they have ever done you’
Rightly or wrongly we know that there will be a specific programme or dvd that will guarantee their rapt attention for a specified period of time and we will use it in the interest of safety.
The Rules for Parents are but three – Love, limit & let them be
Love – Remember that if you struggle with this at any point it is usually because of their behaviour. Children need our love – especially when they don’t deserve it.
Limit- We set the ground rules and they break them. There are constant battles about them and we sometimes are so worn down (by them or life in general) that we give in. We need to be consistent and yet there will be a time (and perhaps many J) when we are not because we are human and we do our best and our best differs. It will be different on a Monday morning than last thing on a Friday evening. It will be different when we are feeling well to when we are feeling unwell.
Let them be -That would mean not picking up on the attitude, not doing what they are asked, the tantrums, the sibling rivialry etc….. Not a chance……….
So…..we are human and may not always get it ‘right’.
So…..just because we may break the above it does not make them less important or valid….
So…. when our best is not what it could (or even should) be, take a step back (or a breath or get some sleep) and resolve to start again.
We owe it to them and ourselves.
‘Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life.’
Muriel Spark
I would love to hear from you. If you have any thoughts, stories feedback or ideas you would like to share, please forward them to me at marian@theparentcoach.ie
