• I am a good parent if my child sleeps through the night…..
• He/She is a good baby because they sleep through the night……..
• Everyone else’s child seems to go to sleep or stay asleep……..
• Is it always going to be like this??????????
• I am exhausted – I cannot keep going…….
• I should ………….
• They should be………….

Do you know that ‘they’ say that 69% of parents have trouble at some stage with sleep or bedtime for their baby or child.  So, if you have ever thought or uttered any of the above, you are not alone!

This is not a complete guide or ‘How to’ as there is no one approach that will suit or work for every parent or every child.

There are a wealth of resources on www.ChldcareFinder.ie under parenting info/ everyday parenting tips which you can check out.

This is, hopefully, an opportunity and invitation to stand back and see if you might get a new perspective on your own situation.

It may offer the piece of information or advice or tip that will resonate with you as being exactly what you need to hear right now.

It can offer you hope that things can and will be different.

Have a read and at the end there are some questions to help you integrate what you want to take from this piece.
Some interesting facts about babies and sleep;

• Babies sleep around 14-16 hours a day but obviously not all at nighttime.

• Night waking for babies is essential for their survival.  Their tummies cannot hold enough  food to sustain them all through the night (they need to feed every 3 to 4 hours when they are very young) so waking ensures they get fed!

• They need warmth. When we respond to them we can check in if they are too hot or too cold.

• There are also developmental benefits. Babies go into light sleep (REM) more frequently than adults and this is thought to be beneficial for brain development.  For more information on this, check out ‘8 Infant sleep facts every parent should know’ on the website www.askdrsears.com.  It makes for interesting reading and as a parent understanding how important night waking is, might mean we are less anxious to get them sleeping through!

• Babies alternate between deep and light sleep more frequently (50/50) than older children or adults (70/30). When they move to the lighter sleep (REM) they may wake.  Some babies/children can settle back themselves and they are often referred to as self-soothers or settlers.  It is a very individual thing and you may have one child who self soothes and another who does not. This is not an indication of whether or not you are a good parent so let yourself off the hook on that one.

• If your child needs to be settled back to sleep, do so by gently and quietly soothing them.  Avoid eye contact or talking to them as this may stimulate them and they come fully awake.  Even if they do seem fully awake, act, where possible, as if they were not.  Stroking their eyebrow or forehead can be soothing or rubbing their tummies very gently can often be effective.

• Most importantly, responding to their cries gives them the message that the world is a safe and caring place.

So what is important?

Routine, routine, routine!

• Consistency is vital.  When they are small it helps them feel secure. As they get older they know what to expect and that can help their sense of esteem and confidence.  If they know what is coming next they can pre-empt it and feel good about themselves.  For example, if they always have bath, teeth, pj’s, story and lights out – they can run and get into their pj’s or have the book ready.
• Routine also makes it easier for you as you have a sense of what happens and the timeframe around same etc. As a coach I know that thre is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to what and in what order the end of day routine should be. However, if you can establish one that works for you and your family, stick to it.
• If, for some reason, someone else has to take over the evening or bedtime routine it offers familiarity at a time when some aspects are unfamiliar.
• Avoid sugar or sugary drinks later in the evening – for obvious reasons.  Certain foods produce an amino acid know as tryptophan which can actually help the sleep process. This is why the traditional (oat) cookies and milk is actually beneficial.
• For older children, experts say the best bedtime is between 7 and 8 o’clock.

Environment

• Check that temperature of room is not too hot or cold (16–20 degrees best)
• Have blackout blinds or lining to curtains to keep out light in summer mornings and evenings.
• Keep toys to a minimum in the bedroom if they tend to be a distraction.
• For many, having some music or sounds help.  There are cd’s available of what might have been familiar sounds for the baby when they were in the womb – e.g. hoover, running water, washing machine.
• Classical music has the double benefit of helping with brain development.  The pathways in the brain that process classical music are the same as those we use for maths!
• If you cannot be there yourself, having a tape or cd with your voice reading a story or singing lullabyes may be of help. Now there is a challenge to commit your voice to disk!!
• Whilst many people swear by it, it is best to start out by not having a tv or video in the bedroom. Our subconcious is at its most susceptible when we have a relaxed mind and body and so any messages which go in just before sleep, often go in deeply.  As time goes by it may be harder and harder to monitor exactly what they are picking up – even cartoons or some stories which might seem innocent to us can have a negative impact.

When it doesn’t go to plan!

• Know that it will not be like this forever. 
• They will eventually sleep. 
• They will  not end up sleeping in your bed forever.
• They will get to a point where they will not want you anywhere near their bedroom (especially to tidy up or give them a kiss – ugh!).
• That no matter how tired you are feeling or think you cannot go on, you will have enough to go the extra mile and pick somehting from below that will help to positively impact and change things.

• For babies remember why they wake regularly and accept that is the way it is for now.

• Make the process as pleasant as possible for yourself – have soft slippers and dressing gown to slip on so you are warm and comfortable (considering time of year of course!). Have a drink close to hand to sip and maybe a treausred item or photo nearby to look at and remind you why you are doing what you are doing.

• Share the night feeds/settling where possible.  If you have to do it yourself, nap when they nap during the day if possible. As the mum of three, I really wish I had followed this piece of advice for my first.  At that stage I thought nap time was a time to catch up with something else and ended up exhausted.  By the time you have a second and third child to look after whilst one sleeps, you wish you had taken that opportunity.

• For anyone who has ever been on an aeroplane, you will remember the safety talk where they ask parents to attend to their own oxygen masks in the event of cabin pressure dropping.  If we do theirs first and we are overcome, they will not be able to attend to ours.  If we look after ourselves first we are in a better position to look after everyone else.  So, selfish is actually selfless! Let go of any guilt.

• Your child and  your own energy and well being are what is important.  Anything else that is looming, consider the4 D’s. Do it, Drop it (does it really need to be done?) Delay it or Delegate it.

• Remember the 3 A’s. Ask for help. Allow people to help. Accept help if offered. No prizes for being a martyr or perfectionist who has to do it themselves to do it ‘right’.

Some of the reasons why older children may find it hard to settle at nighttime are;

• Fear – of the dark or, if it has happened in the recent past, having nightmares.
• Seperation anxiety – they may not find it easy to be parted from you or be left on their own.
• Overtired – They have missed their natural settling point.
• Interested – They don’t want to miss out on anything.  Sometimes it may be that they have been away from home all day and have not had enough time to settle and be in their own space or room.  Sometimes it is because they can hear what is going on in the rest of the house and it is ‘just not fair’ that they are missing out!
• Independence – they have reached the stage where they want to assert (or try to assert!) their independence and they want to go to bed because they can’t be made to!  They often realise that they can control mum or dad by going along – or not – with the routine!

If you can identify which of the above is the case, step back and from all the advice and resources available decide what you choose to do. Often, it is not absence of ideas or suggestions which is the problem but the energy or knowing where to start (again!!).
To conclude…..
Remember that you are not alone. Over 2/3 of all parents worry, at some stage, about a child’s sleeping or bedtime routine

‘Things are as they are’ so no matter what stage you are at or what you have or have not done in the past, just start again from now. Today is perfect.

Refer back to the statements at the start of this article. 

What belief might you have around this whole area that is not serving you well or realistic?

……………………………………………………….

What do you choose to think and believe instead that will be more helpful and positive?

……………………………………………………….

What do you need and choose to consider changing?

What one thing will you start to do?

……………………………………………………….

What one thing will you stop doing?
……………………………………………………….

What do you do already, that is working well for you and your family, that you will continue to do?

………………………………………………………

 ‘They are not trying to make life difficult for you, they are only trying to show you how difficult it is for them’.
(Tony Humphries)

I would love to hear from you. If you have any thoughts, stories feedback or ideas you would like to share, please forward them to me at marian@theparentcoach.ie