‘I daresay one profits more by the mistakes one makes off one’s own bat than by doing the right thing on somebody’s else advice.’
(Somerset Maugham)
Chances are no one put up their hand for that one! When we see it in others we call it hovering. When we do it ourself, we call it love and concern. So what is the difference and where is the line between the two?
The term was first used in the 1990’s (in a book called ‘Parenting with Love and Logic’) to describe where parents pay extremely close attention to their childs experiences and problems. It referred to parents who hover and become over involved as opposed to caring. Some of the factors which contribute are:
- Exposure to media in modern times means we get more information in a day than we would have got in our whole lifetime a century ago. We also have infinite data at our fingertips. This can mean that we hear of dangers we never even imagined before. Bacteria in the kitchen become a deadly enemy and there are many more ways for strangers to approach our children (via Internet sites etc). This is valuable information but can send us into overdrive.
- The mobile phone is said to be the longest ever umbilical cord. Having one may mean that we allow them go further than we would without it (although we are still unsure and nervous) and if we cannot get them on the phone there is panic or pandemonium.
- Modern families often live away from their family of origin, so there is not the extended family network to support the parents and also pass on the wisdom which has come from rearing the previous generation. Times and the dangers may be different but as any parent of three or four children will say, we cut our teeth on the first one!
- Every generation wants the next one to enjoy the same standard of living as they have or a better one. Education is seen as the principal way to ensure this so there is often a lot of focus on same. If children are going to a private school or getting grinds, resource help etc, parents may want to ensure the investment is not wasted and they are fully engaged and getting good grades.
- Our own behavioral style will have a huge influence on how we approach parenting and the level of involvement we have with our children. If I am a worrier by nature, I will worry about how they are, where they are and what might happen. If I am a perfectionist by nature, I may try to apply those high standards for them too.
So what is the difference between being a caring parent and a helicopter parent?
Some of the things which might cross the line;
- Finishing the picture or puzzle for your child to show them how to do it ‘right’
- Getting involved in disputes between friends and assuming your child is always in the right.
- When someone asks them a question you answer for them (obviously when they are at the point where they can answer for themselves).
- Try to solve every problem for them rather than helping them find a solution themselves.
- Having back to back activities for them which may expose them to lots of potential interests or talents but may also mean they can not just ‘be’ or never get to the boredom stage which is the threshold of creativity.
- Always bringing in forgotten items to school. It is absolutely ok to bring in a forgotten lunch or PE bag occasionally, especially when they are transitioning to school or secondary etc. Helicoptering is where you do it all the time and they never get to see the consequences of their actions. One teacher told of a parent who brought in an necklace to her daughter which she had forgotten.
- Correcting their homework for them (rather than checking it is done) or even doing it for them. It is true, this does happen and can cover up for the teacher where the student is really at.
- At a secondary level, picking their subjects for them rather than coaching them to help them pick themselves.
- Calling your older child for secondary or college so they wont be late (at what point will they take responsibility for it themselves?)
So how can you stay this side of the line?
- They say we should never do anything for a child that they can do for themselves. It is ok to help them out or treat them sometimes but if we do it all the time we rob them of the opportunity to develop valuable life skills and have an appropriate level of independence or choice.
- Offer choices as appropriate. This will help them feel more comfortable with making decisions (a good life skill) and gives them a sense of some control over themselves and their environment (which is good for their confidence and self esteem and means they wont fight for control in other ways).
- Remember that mistakes are ok. In fact we can learn a lot through them. Encourage them to ask themselves ‘What can I take from that?’ or ‘What did I learn from that?’ and then move on.
- Ask Questions which will help them explore the options, look at the up and down side to something, consider where someone else may be coming from or how they might be feeling….
- Play time is valuable. One engineering firm found that the younger engineers came with top grades but lacked problem solving skills. When they researched it they found the difference was the younger ones didn’t play as much as previous generations who took bikes and clocks apart out of boredom and lack of ‘x boxes’ and put them back together again out. Play is also a great way of them learning about the world (through shapes etc when younger, social interaction, creativity).
- If by nature you are a worrier you may feel that by worrying about things you are a caring person. It got you by so far and kept you safe. It is worth reflecting on whether on balance worrying has been worth it. 95% of what we worry about never happens and if it does, worrying about it would not have stopped it. Accept change as part of life and know that the only real security in life comes from the inside. Knowing that whatever happens you can handle it (because you have up to now) is far more powerful than trying to arrange the whole world on the outside to help you feel safe on the inside. If your child’s natural style is to be a worrier also they will grow up dependant and both of you will find it hard to talk about and face likes transitions. If they are not that style, you will drive them mad and they will stop telling you things!
- If by nature you are very conscientious or a perfectionist you may have found that living life to your standards has been hard for you. If your child shares your style they will set high standards for themselves anyway. The best value you can add is to help them accept develop a tolerance for imperfection rather than add to it. If they do not share your style they will experience it as ‘control’ over them rather than care and guidance which can lead to stormy relationships or all out rebellion.
A notice in Ithaca College, USA, some time ago said it well it in realtion to contact with the school/college
- Visit (but not too often)
- Communicate (but not too often)
- Dont Worry (too much)
- Expect Change
- Trust them
I would love to hear from you. If you have any feedback or would like to avail of one to one parent coaching, I can be contacted at 087 2232937 or marian@theparentcoach.ie
Until next time…
