Coming back from ‘Meltdown’!
‘There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.’
Dr. Who
There is much written about tantrums and children. What are they? Why do they happen? What should a parent do before, during and after? We are to understand, predict and avoid, and if it does happen remain cool, calm and collected.
What happens, however, when it does not go according to plan? It could be with a tot or a teen. We ‘loose it’. They either stop and look at us in amazement or they escalate the performance. We not only loose effectiveness in the situation but we then proceed to beat ourselves up for it. What will the children, neighbours, that parent coach….everyone think?
They will think that you are human. They will think that you had tried to keep going until the volcano erupted. They will remember when they were at that point too.
So in an effort to try understand their tantrums and our meltdowns, here are some thoughts.
Tantrums (tot or teen) are ususally a fit of ill temper or built up frustration.
They can be:
- A release of frustation being told no, things not going as expected, unable to manage certain tasks, they feel powerless, being ignored
- Lack of Control
- Overtired
- Basic need not being met. They may be hungry, too hot etc.
Sound familiar? So as parents how might that help?
- If you reflect on situations where you might ‘loose it’, are there any common denominators? What were the triggers? Would they fall under any of the above?
- If so, by being aware of that, you can look out for them in the future and try avoid letting it get that far (the old chestnut of looking after ourselves physically and emotionally comes up here again).
- If you see that trigger or sequence of events starting to unfold, change what you do next. If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you want things to be different you have to do something different. Take a step back physically, take three (or ten!) deep breaths, repeat to yourself to ‘get out of the (boxing) ring. It could be any one or all of these but find out what works for you. What will help interupt you from ‘reacting’ and allow you ‘respond’ instead.
- H.A.L.T. Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired. If you are, address that need yourself. If you do not you will not be as effective in addressing any parenting challenges.
- If it does happen, reflect on what needs to happen in relation to the child or children involved. An apology can go a long way and models good behaviour in the aftermath. It may be that you apologise for loosing it but reiterate what behaviour or situation was unacceptable in the first place.
It would be very hard to cover aspect in a piece like this but, if there is just one thing you would take from the above, what would it be?
- What will you start to do?
- What will you stop doing?
- What do you do already, that works really well, that you will continue?
‘Becuase of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly’ P. J. O’Rourke
Until next time
Marian
I would love to hear from you. If you have any thoughts, stories feedback or ideas you would like to share, please forward them to me at marian@theparentcoach.ie
