20/11/2014
Everyday Parenting, Parent Coach, What's New

I know that time is very precious when you are a parent, so the following is a very brief summary of the do’s and don’ts of ‘how to engage co-operation’.

It is a summary/combination of the wisdom from the book ‘How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk’ and feedback from working with hundreds of parents over the last 7 years.

Different approaches will work for different parents/children/situations.

Use as and when appropriate!!

Engaging Co Operation – What NOT to do

Blaming and Accusing:

They may withdraw or counterattack
  1. You always leave the bathroom in a mess
  2. You were trying to start a fight
  3. You did it on purpose
  4. The trouble with you is that you never listen
  5. You never put your plate in the dishwasher
Name Calling:

Lowers self-esteem
Create resentment
  1. It is freezing out there, only an idiot would go out without a coat
  2. Your room is like a pig sty
  3. Let me do it for you, you know how clumsy you are

 
Threats;

Will get defiance or sullen compliance
  1. If you slurp your soup one more time I will take it away
  2. If you are not dressed by the time I count to 10 I am going without you
  3. If you don’t stop fighting right now I am not going to…….
Command
  1. Clean up this mess right now
  2. Pick up those bags immediately
  3. Put it back immediately
Lecturing & Moralizing Every morning you are the last to get ready and get out the door and it keeps everyone late.  You have us all stressed out by the time we get to the school and you don’t care the impact it has when you don’t get up when I call you……………………….
(You get the drift!)
Warnings;

Won’t work after a while if you don’t follow through and if they do you may get defiance or sullen compliance
  1. You are going to burn yourself
  2. You are going to catch pneumonia
  3. You are going to fall off that wall
  4. Everyone is going to be laughing at you

 
Martyrdom;

Tune out or guilt
  1. Are you trying to break my heart
  2. I spend all my time looking after you and driving you around and the one time I need to go somewhere myself you make a big fuss about it.
  3. After all I’ve done for you…….
  4. No one ever offers to help me out
  5. Just for once I would love it if….

 
Sarcasm
  1. You are really going to do well in your test by spending all that time watching TV Hannah Montana will really help you with your Irish test tomorrow
  2. That is really going to make things better!
  3. Candy floss is really good for your teeth!

 
Comparisons:

Can lower self esteem and create resentment towards the other person/child/sibling
  1. Why can’t you be more like your sister?
  2. Emma always goes along with what you want to do, why cant you agree to do what she wants sometimes?

 

Engaging Co Operation – What to do

 

Describe the problem 
  1. The lights are on in your bedroom
  2. I need to use the bathroom now
  3. You can’t both use that toy at the same time it is meant for one
  4. There isn’t time to do a different dinner for everyone in the family so I have to…….
Give information (where they don’t already have it)
  1. If you leave the milk out of the fridge it can turn sour
  2. If you leave crumbs or apple butts on your bedroom floor, it could attract mice!
  3. School starts at 8.30 and it will take 20 mins to get there so we have to leave by……
Say it in a word
(especially where child is very persistent or no scope for negotiation)

 
  1. ‘Pajamas’
  2. ‘Teeth’
  3. ‘After dinner’
Use I statements
  1. I need you to help me to…..
  2. When you don’t do what I ask, I …………….
Write a note
  1. ‘Please feed me’ signed the fish
  2. Last thing as night – remember – Dirty clothes into basket!!!!!
  3. Have you washed your hands?

(sign on back of bathroom door)
Offer choices
  1. Do you want to bring your doll or a book with you in the car?
  2. Do you want to wear the blue jumper or the green one?
  3. Do you want a full glass of juice or a half glass?
  4. Do  you want to have your bath before your supper or after?
Ask rather than order
  1. Will you put your dish in the sink please?
  2. Will you gather up all the toys and put them into the box?
  3. Will you pick up the crayons please?
State expectation
  1. I expect you to have the table cleared by the time I get back
  2. I expect you to have your bag ready by the time we are going

I would love to hear from you. If you have any thoughts, stories feedback or ideas you would like to share, please forward them to me at marian@theparentcoach.ie