‘There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.’
Harold Stephens
From the moment a child is born, parents worry.
In fact the worry often starts way before then (Will they be healthy? Will I be able to cope? What sort of a world are they coming into?)
The fact that they are a child means that they are growing and changing day by day. We get to a point where we feel we have mastered one stage and they go and change and we are catapulted into the next one!
At each stage the top 5 concerns for parents will be different. As a baby it is often around being able to respond to their needs or being able to adapt to parenthood. When they are pre teens it might be around their transition to secondary school and peers. As a teenager…. well the list is long.
The top 5 below is complied from feedback from hundreds of parents I have worked with over the last 9 years. They were current for many parents and for others were often the source of daily battles which arose from concerns around them for the future. Before listing them it might be of interest to differentiate between worry and concern.
- Worrying is an emotion that is not in the animal kingdom (interestingly a lot of emotions are).
- It is entirely man made and pointless. Some people are much ‘better’ at it than others. If you worry about things in life generally you will have no end of material as a parent!
- 90% of what we worry about never happens.
- Worrying often involves swimming around in the ‘problem’.
- We think because we are worrying we are doing something. We are not!
- Worrying in itself does not solve anything as it is not solution focused.
- Worrying takes up a huge amount of energy and often leaves us less effective in dealing with any situation.
Being concerned, on the other hand, means that we are aware of something that is important. It might be now or for the future. As a parent the challenge is to live in the present with your child whilst preparing them and you for the future.
- Being concerned may feel less intense and allows you to question whether your concern is real or imagined.
- It will allow you spend 10% of your time or focus on the ‘problem’ and 90% on the solution or in generating options.
- If will free up energy to be positive and more effective around what is happening now rather than fearful of the future.
- It allows you focus on the things that are within your control or influence which will positively impact.
- It allows us relax more as we know we are not being ‘irresponsible’ by not preparing for the(ir) future.
Education
Most parents want to ensure that their child maintains the standard of living they have or improve on it. Education is seen as the way of ensuring this.
Pre School is all about preparing for big school. Primary is to get you ready for Secondary. The junior certificate prepares them for the leaving certificate which of course if all about getting points for college. And it goes on.
Education is, of course, really important especially in the competitive world we live in today. However, it is just as important to respond to their needs right now. The transition year programme in secondary schools is an example of this. Parents may feel it is a distraction but by design it is to develop other key skills they will need for their life after school.
As a worried parent I may have constant battles over when or how homework is done which is subconsciously coming from worrying they may not keep up.
As a concerned parent I may be able to see my worry is affecting the way I approach it and step back and rethink my approach. I may look to see what might work for that child specifically. I might be open to giving or getting extra help as a positive step rather than thinking if they need it now how will they manage when they get to
Self Esteem And Confidence
The majority of parents, when asked what they would like for their child in the future, will say for them to be happy, healthy and confident. I have found this to be true in my own research over the years and recently heard Dr Phil McGraw reflect the same having interviewed 17,000 parents in the US (slightly more than my own sample group!). We could do a whole book on that heading alone and look at the elements of that which are influenced by parents and those which are not.
In relation to confidence, it is not something which we can gift wrap and hand to them. It is not something they come into the world with but rather something that can be built on a day by day basis as they grow.
As a worried parent I might dwell on it and focus on any circumstance or event which might not be helpful.
As a concerned parent I might find out what are the factors that contribute to it?
Which of those are within my own control and influence?
What at the things I can do on a daily basis which will either add to it or erode it?
If we do that we can ensure that we are doing at least one or two things every day that will enhance it and one thing a day is a powerful multiplier!
Drink Drugs and Rock and Roll
The dread of the teenage years. We worry they will fall into the wrong company. They will not be able to withstand pressure. That there is such a dangerous world and culture out there. We worry we will not be able to handle them.
What we can do is educate ourselves around those concerns. Put ourselves in their shoes and be mindful of the massive transition period that is ‘the teenage years’. We can work on a daily basis to maintain communication so they can talk to us around their challenges and we can still have some influence (no control at this point though!) on them. We can set clear boundaries around what is or is not expected. We can believe the best of them and be open to being surprised that not all teenagers are as ‘bad’ as we think.
Doing It Right
Whilst not every parent will be concerned about this, a lot are.
It may be at a specific stage. Some parents, for example, are nervous around small babies whilst others are more worried around handling boundaries for older children.
Some worry at every stage.
If I worry I may doubt myself at every turn and that will come through in my parenting.
If I am concerned, I can look to see am I like this in all areas of my life? Is it an area for growth or perhaps it is coming from a sense of knowing myself well and that my natural style may not be as effective for this child as it would be for another?
Their Happiness
As referenced above, the majority of parents want their children to be happy.
But what is happy? Can you ‘make’ anyone else happy?
Research has shown that nearly 50% of our happiness is determined by our temperament which we are born with. We are naturally a glass half full or glass half empty person. Happiness is not something which can be given. It can only arise from within.
What if we replaced the word happy with some of the following;
- I want my kids to be content.
- I want my kids to be grateful.
- I want my kids to gain experience.
- I want my kids to be generous.
- I want my kids to solve problems.
- I want my kids to be creating.
- I want my kids to be growing.
- I want my kids to be wise.
By changing the word we open up how we can work on a day to day basis to contribute to that specific value rather than a generic happy which is dependent on so many things.
If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.
E. Joseph Cossman
I would love to hear from you. If you have any feedback or would like to avail of one to one parent coaching, I can be contacted at 087 2232937 or marian@theparentcoach.ie
Until next time…
