“The rules for parents are but three… love, limit, and let them be”
Elaine M. Ward
Last month I mentioned research that highlights how the nature of our interaction with our children can often be more negative than positive.
Eight times more in fact!
So focusing on the positive and the behaviour you want is important. Loving them and allowing them be the unique individual they are is important. But what about the limits? What do we do when there are issues or behaviours that need to be addressed?
The word discipline comes from the Latin word ‘discere’ meaning to learn. The aim is to teach them what is acceptable and what is not. We can do that by telling them what they can do rather than just what they cannot.
- Every family unit is different and has different values. What are your family values? What are the boundaries and rules?
If you cannot answer those questions straight off, imagion how hard it can be for our children to know and ‘sitck’ to them. - Know what your family rules / boundaries and values are and communicate them at a time when all is calm.
- If they are broken, restate the boundary and what the consequences will be it happens again. If it does happen again, apply the consequences.
- Stay Calm. Often easier said than done but if we want to be effective and diffuse a situation it is essential. Count to 10, take some deep breaths or, as Tony Humphries advocates, take a step forward into an imagionary hoola hoop! (We could have a whole article on how that works but that is a different forum!)
- Connect with your child in whatever way you can. Children under 6 are usually less than 3 and a half foot in height. Most adults are 5ft or over. So it makes sense that we should sit, hunch or come down to their level so that we are not overpowering them and so that we can connect with them. Eye contact for younger children is often very effective. Give them and the situation your undivided attention.
- Keep your message Clear and Concise. Explanations are important in giving children a context for something or engaging co-operation. However, in the event of a challenging situation (or where they already have the information) it is best to keep it simple.
- Be Consistent. Do it calmly whilst connecting with them and restating clearly and concisely why the consequences are being applied
- Remember that ‘no’ is not a starting point, it is an answer. Be clear in your mind that ‘no means no’ and they will be clear on that too!
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
David Frost
I would love to hear from you. If you have any thoughts, stories feedback or ideas you would like to share, please forward them to me at marian@theparentcoach.ie
