“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you” – Robert Fulghum
Life as a parent is busy. I am, therefore, guessing that I do not need to use some of the time you are investing in reading this to define what tantrums are. If you have a tot (or a teen or a humorsome partner!) you will know what it looks, sounds and feels like if they have meltdown. So, what can we do about them?
1. Identify the triggers and Avoid
When you identify their triggers you can (sometimes!) plan ahead or intervence before frustration kicks in.
- Is there a basic need not being met? Are they hungry? Tired?
- Are they frustrated because they cannot do something (tie their own laces or fit the last piece of the jigsaw in)?
- Are they trying to assert their independence?
- Are they unable to express their emotions? They might be really angry but have no idea what that is.
2. Distract
By being aware of the triggers you will be more likely to pick up the signs for the passage to meltdown. When they are very young, it is often best to distract them rather than allow it progress to ‘teach them a lesson’ or ‘not give in’. It could be a favourite toy, tickle, game or starting a conversation about something you know they will be interested in. Basically it is redirecting their attention and energy to something else and so the origional source of the tantrum is forgotten.
3. Deal
So, it wasn’t possible to avoid the situation, distraction doesn’t work and there is a full scale meltdown! What do we do?
- Always remain calm. I know you are probably throwing your eyes up to heaven and saying easier said than done. However, if we react and our energy around the situation shoots up too, we are adding fuel to the fire.
- Count to 10, take a few concious breaths, take a step back (or sideways), anything which is symbolic of you stepping out of ‘reacting’ and into how you choose to ‘respond’.
- Keep your voice steady and at a normal or soft tone. Often when they loose control it is even scarier for them when they see the ‘sane’ adult loosing it too.
- Give them the message that you can talk to them/deal with it/go when they calm down.
- There is no need for logic in the middle of a tantrum. Any message that you need to convey will be heard and better received after they have calmed down.
- Allow them time and suitable space to calm down and when you see that starting to happen, acknowledge it.
- It can be a scary experience for toddlers (and older children) so giving them a hug afterwards is important if they are open to it.
- Once it is over, it is over. Move on.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang up my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I knew that little things are special things.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight, and I felt loved.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I LOOKED….and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.
Connie Back
I would love to hear from you. If you have any thoughts, stories feedback or ideas you would like to share, please forward them to me at marian@theparentcoach.ie
