1 Thing A Day

You are the expert on you and on your child. You can read books, articles (and thank you for taking the time to read this) and listen to all the ‘experts’ to get information but only you will know what works for you and your child or children in your family situation. That is real knowledge.

If you are enjoying being a parent and everything is as it should be, well done and keep doing what you are doing.

If you want or need to make a change (in anything in your life) getting started is often the most difficult part of the process. So here is some advice from someone who is not an expert but has had the privilege to be part of the change process for hundreds of parents over the last few years.

1. Accept that things are as they are.
2. Acknowledge that you are having the courage and character to want to change/grow/improve how you are or what you do or how you do something
3. Identify what one thing, if you did it, would have the most positive impact on what it is you want to achieve.
4. Do it. Every day if possible. One thing a day is a powerful multiplier.

If, having read some of the articles in this series, you decide that you want your children, in years to come, to say that you listened to them. Make a point of doing it in an active and attentive way at least once every day. It does not have to (and realistically cannot) be always. Just once a day. If your child is 2 or 3 or 4 years of age – imagine how many times you will have meaningfully listened to them by the age of 18 (that is, for example, 16 years x 365 days = an awful lot). This alone will build a strong connection and relationship and do wonders for their self esteem and confidence

 

We have 2 Ears and 1 Mouth; We should use them in that proportion!

As a parent it is very hard to follow this invaluable advice. There are so many points to make, values to pass on or lessons to be learned! We might be listening to what they are saying and at the same time have our own dialogue going on as to the implications of what is being said. We can be making lots of assumptions into the bargain!

Often we are doing something else at the same time (driving, working at the sink or computer etc). If asked to repeat what they said we may be able to do so but whilst we have heard them, have they experienced being listened to?

So what can we do?

• Make time every day to sit and talk with them (it might be at bedtime or meal times or whenever works for your family). This is a fabulous routine to establish and it means if ever there is something important they want to talk to you about, they have an established forum where they know they will have your undivided attention.
• Notice your own interaction, are you listening more than talking?
• Reflect back what they have said, either exactly or in your own words as this shows that you are listening and that what they say is important.

The experience of being listened to is powerful. They say people ‘grow’ when they are listened to and even more so when they are ‘little’ people.

The 3 most powerful questions you might ever be asked as a parent!

The 3 most powerful questions you might ever be asked as a parent!

(1) Who, other than yourself or their other parent, do they respond to best – and why?

When I work with groups of parents and ask this question, the answers are often a grandparent, uncle / aunt, godparent or friend of the family. Alternatively it might be older brothers or sisters or cousins who are preteen or teenagers.

Why? Because they are the ones who express an interest in the child. They are often the ones who play with them, spoil them or just connect with them. They take time for them. Young children can tell when someone is genuinely interested or just going through the motions. They can spot the real thing a mile off!

So, with the valuable insight of who your child connects with and why, what might you as their parent take from that relationship and incorporate (if appropriate) into your relationship with your child

(2) If your child (or children) were asked to describe you, what would they say?

Consider the question, even if your child is only a baby or very young. Imagine what they might say if they could talk.

There is no right or wrong answer – just what you think, at this point in time and based on your interaction with them on a daily basis, they would say.

Having done that, are you happy with the answer they might give? If so, keep doing what you are doing? If not, what would you like them to say? What do you need to start doing that would enable them say it? What do you need to stop doing?

(3) In three years time, will this matter?

This is the whole idea of picking your battles! If we were to think about it at length, the weight of responsibility of bringing up a child might weigh us down. (I hear you say it often does!!)

When faced on a daily basis with having to encourage co-operation, pass on family values and deal with challenging behaviour, it is easy for us and them to be overwhelmed and exhausted. So, when faced with having to pick the key points or areas that you are going to have family rules around and be consistent on, ask yourself the question.

If the answer is yes then you will know why it is important to follow through each time. Perhaps it is having meals at the dinner table together because you know that is a time for the whole family to connect and interact. Perhaps it is around showing respect, so no matter how many of their friends say ‘shut up’ you will not allow it in your home.

If the answer is no, then perhaps you might reconsider. Perhaps a messy room is not so bad or them going out with what we might consider to be an odd ensemble!

Life is precious and we never know how much time we have, so make the time we have matter. Don’t sweat the small stuff!

The 4 C’s of Parenting – 4 Step approach to dealing with challenging behaviour

Calm

Stay calm. Often easier said than done but if we want to be effective and diffuse a situation it is essential.

Having worked with hundreds of parents over the years, here are some of the ways that have worked for others

• Take time to breath. In for a count of 7, hold for 7, breathe out for 7 and then hold the pause before your next breath for 7. Unless it is a real emergency where you need to act swiftly, this is one of the most effective ways of stopping yourself from ‘reacting’ and allows you those few moments to pause so you can then ‘respond’ to the situation instead.
• Have a word or sentence that you can say to yourself that you know will interrupt your reaction and allow you respond instead. For example, I noticed that the situation where I reacted most often was when I heard the sounds and voices of my own 3 ‘fighting’. It could be any combination! Instead of launching into the middle of it and adding to the energy (and usually escalating the whole situation) I would say ‘Get out of the ring’. For me, that sentence highlighted what I had become aware of and stopped me from reacting. Saying it to myself was a prompt to be calm and I could be more effective in any intervention (or not) that I chose to make.
• Count to 10 before you do anything.
• Take time for yourself on a regular basis. If you are not looking after yourself physically, mentally or emotionally it is going to be much harder to be calm. This might be easier said than done, but it is our responsibility to top up our reserves when and in whatever ways we can.

Connect

Connect with your child in whatever way you can. Children under 6 are usually less than 3 and a half foot in height. Most adults are 5ft or over. So it makes sense that we should sit, hunch or come down to their level so that we are not overpowering them and so that we can connect with them.

Eye contact where possible is very effective (for anyone with teenagers please ignore that last statement as if you are trying to make eye contact with a teenager they are likely to think you are freaky and run a mile-much better at that stage to be side by side in the car or somewhere like that!!)

Give them and the situation your undivided attention.

Clear & Concise

Keep your message clear and concise. Explanations are important in giving children a context for something or engaging co-operation. However, in the event of a challenging situation (or where they already have the information) it is best to keep it simple.

It is easy for us to get lost in dealing with the behaviour or response we are getting and loose sight of the original message.

If you have a child who is very persistent, stick to one or two words. ‘Pyjamas’ (for example). ‘Pyjamas’. And, if necessary, ‘Pyjamas now!’

Consistent

Know what your family rules or boundaries are and communicate them at a time when all is calm. If they are broken, restate the boundary and what the consequences will be it happens again. If it does happen again, apply the consequences. Be consistent. Do it calmly whilst connecting with them and restating clearly and concisely why the consequences are being applied.

5 Ways to Connect With Your Child

Make Eye Contact

I came across an article entitled ‘The best pieces of advice you’ve never heard’. One of those pieces of advice is not to make eye contact with babies who are falling asleep. It will inadvertently encourage them to connect with you and snap out of their sleepy state. So, actually, that contains two pieces of advice because if you do want to connect with them, make eye contact.

(It is often suggested that we avoid making eye contact with someone if we are trying to avoid them or distance ourselves from them. The reverse is also the case).

Studies show that babies prefer human faces to all other patterns or colours. Once they can focus they will be able to pick up so much from your eye contact and often will look away after a period to process or absorb what they have sensed. A Canadian Study in 1996 found that smiling in infants reduced when adult eye contact was removed.

It is not an exact science but there is enough evidence to suggest the importance of making eye contact and that is the case not just when they are babies. As they grow opportunities to do so may not arise as naturally so perhaps we might watch for the times when we can, easily and effortlessly. When they are telling us something, just before you praise them or tell them you love them, when you catch their eye over the table or when out in company. Do not force it or overdo it – trust your instincts.

Remember that they are ‘little’ people, so if we come down to their level the contact and connection can be more powerful.

The eyes, they say, are the window to the soul! Look through that window regularly.

Listen to Them

The Chinese symbol for listen comprises a number of characters which represent ear, eye, heart and undivided attention. As a parent, this is so true.

• When we listen we need to do so with our ears to hear the words that are said and the information they will give us.
• We need to listen with our eyes to pick up non verbal clues (body language etc) as to what is going on.
• Listening with our heart is all about empathy. Understanding what they might be feeling (whether or not we feel it is right!) and acknowledging that. That does not mean that we always agree with it or condone it, but we can understand where the words or behaviour is coming from.
• Listening with our undivided attention is something that we might not be able to do all the time, but we absolutely have to do some of the time.
  See also separate piece ‘We have 2 ears and 1 mouth’

Ask Questions

When we ask questions, it is an invitation to keep talking. Not lots and often (which might feel like interrogation for our child) but in a natural, curious and interested way.

Open questions will express our interest in what they have to say.
‘Tell me about…..’ or ‘tell me more about…..’
‘What was the best thing that happened today?’
‘Tell me three good things about today?’
‘How do you feel when…..’

Asking questions can also help them explore something in a way that they could not do on their own.

Play With Them

This might sound like common sense but it is not always common practice.

Play is hugely important for a number of reasons. It is a child’s work where they can explore and learn about the world around them. They learn social skills (sharing and turn taking etc) and building relationships with peers (this will depend on the stage they are at in the development process).

Play is also a way to get into your child’s world in an interactive way and often we can relate to them in an easier way than when doing the day to day practical things like feeding, bathing, dressing etc. It can be the foundation for having a good relationship with your child which is so important on so many levels down through the years.

Children deserve more than the leftovers of our time. If they are playing happily away if might be the perfect opportunity for us to get some ‘stuff’ done. Some times this might be what needs to happen but ask yourself the question.

• If I say ‘yes’ to getting the ‘stuff’ done, what or who am I saying no to?
• If I say ‘no’ to doing the stuff (or doing it right now) what or who am I saying yes to?
  Once you ask the question, go with which option you choose to take but at least it is a conscious choice.

Get to Know Them

Having worked with hundreds of parents over the past 7 years, feedback has been that getting to know and understand their child or children has had the most positive impact on family life.

Finding out about the development process and at what stage of that process they are. This means that we can offer toys or interaction that is not beyond them (which may cause frustration for them) or that they have moved beyond (which may cause boredom). It might also mean that there is not a mismatch between what they can do or understand and our expectations of them (frustration for us!).

Find out more about Temperament. We come into the world with our temperament (which is how we express our character and personality which develops over the years) and there are nine different temperamental traits.

• Persistence
• Intensity
• General mood
• Sensitivity
• Perceptiveness
• Adaptability
• First impression
• Regularity
• Energy

Knowing and understanding your child’s temperament means we can work with it (not against it) and knowing and understanding our own will increase our awareness around the dynamics within the family. Why might one child be ‘the easy one’ and one ‘the difficult one’? In reality there is no difficult one, often just different (to you or the others).

Finally, as they grow keep an interest in their world. From the Secret Garden and Barbie to skateboarding or football. Rather than always getting them to see the world through our eyes, see it through theirs. We can learn (re-learn) so much.

There is a lovely line in the Abba song ‘slipping through my fingers’ which touches on a child growing up and moving away without the parent ‘ever really entering her (their) world’ . It is not something that we suddenly can do when they are teenagers but it is something we can absolutely start to try and glimpse and understand and share as they grow.